Singapore Bay Run

9 years on, I participated in my second Army Half Marathon, or a sexier name would be the Singapore Bay Run. In 2002, when I could barely survive the mandatory IPPT 2.4km run, I needed to run the 21km to pass out from my SISPEC course. I remember running up Sheares Bridge with literally a whole platoon of sweaty smelly army boys. The only thing that kept me going was my hormones.

You know how girls like to wear sports bras to races? In 2002, with 19km left, all I could do was to fixate my eyes on this girl wearing a black sports bra and did my best to keep up with her. Yes, every single dirty thought a hormone-raging, sex-depraved army boy could think of was manifested in me running after a pony-tailed girl in a black sports bra. I think I finished the race in slightly over 3hours.

This time, it was a girl in a white sports bra.

Before I get to that, I must say that doing 21km under 2hours has been my best result so far. And it can only be a miracle from God, because I almost didn’t make it to the race. Was chilling with friends the night before, and only had 2 hours to sleep before trudging down to the start line at for flag off at 5.15am.

I wasn’t sure if I could survive, much less complete the race.

Somehow my body felt good and despite my head telling my body that I’m going to fast at the early 5km mark, my body just kept going. Maybe it was still sleeping.

But I did feel abit of burnout in my lungs at about the 7km mark and the fact that I couldn’t shake the crowd, make it uncomfortable to breathe or pace properly having to keep overtaking. That’s when I thought I would just pace someone.

Someone wearing a white sports bra. To whomever you are reading this, thank you.
Pacing you for a good distance after the 10km mark definitely helped to get me past the first wall. And it was smooth sailing all the way to the finish line. Overall, it was one of the best races I’ve felt in a long time. Thank God. Best part was, I had enough energy to walk to town, take a cab back, have breakfast (yeah, I didn’t even eat for the race) and then go to church. Awesome awesome stuff.

Phew. I wouldn’t recommend what I did for anyone out there going for their next race, but hey. Jesus Christ saved the day, even for perverted runners like me who pace sports bras.

I hope there will be more sports bras in Dec for my next race, 42km!

Seeya Suckers!

I’d rather be physically and mentally exhausted from running a marathon than being emotionally drained from handling all drama and office politics.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to just excommunicate yourself away from all the drama because I find that burden totally unnecessary. For whatever reason, friends do not talk, innocent people get dragged in, camps form within the office and emotions run high. The only running that should be high is the one that involves pounding the pavement every alternate night.

Oh well, what a fitting way to start 7 weeks of intensive training. I’m really going to miss the company, laughs and support I’ve been getting from my peeps. Suddenly it seems like everyone’s gone! (for reasons, good or bad) But I guess my shoes, that lonely track and that start line remain.

Oh, I know you’ll never leave me…even when I neglected you for so long. Felt good to do long runs. I hope I’ll make the 20kms a regular session – every alternate night. And I felt a familiar soreness in my arms after doing 1.5km pulling at the pool for my main set. Oh my, how I have neglected my swim.

You may call all that my distraction; running away from my feelings and emotions. I look at it as running into something that gives me great pleasure and joy.

22 in 2:22

Running has evolved for me over the past 3 years. I remember starting out doing 3km runs, 3 times a week around my neighborhood (well, 3km is just one round around the block la...pfffft) to lose weight. I progressed to doing 5-7km in preparation for my first few races. Some discipline finally paid off and i started enjoying being fitter.

During these races, i saw many familiar faces and thought, 'if they could do it, why can't i?'. I guess that's when my obsession started. I admit that vanity and ego played their part; I signed up for longer distances and trained my knees out for them.

Now, after having completed couple of full marathons, a handful of Olympic triathlons, some duathlons, many biathlons/runs and an Ironman, i find myself running for a different reason.

I run because i want to get away from everything else. Some quiet time thinking about the challenges ahead and enjoying God's presence. And during one of my longer runs tonight (i did about 22km?) I had couple of prayers answered...

*

The verse, Psalm 68:19 "Blessed be the Lord, who daily loads us with benefits..." finally sank in. The words 'loads', 'daily' and 'benefits' just popped out at me and despite the new year/challenges coming up, i'm reminded to take things one day at a time.

I've also prayed about being in love again. Remembering all my past relationships and looking at couples around me, it dawned on me that being in love meant not drawing my identity and security from my partner. My needs of love, attention and affection must ultimately be grounded on God. Being in love means being selfless, but every man/woman gets depleted somehow. Not when they keep drawing from God.

I realised i've been too selfish in my past relationships. I've not been fair (to say the least) to all those who have given me nothing but support, understanding and love. They've either left me, or due to my (selfish) needs, i've let them down. I may not realise it then, but the reason i got upset/angry at my partner(s) then was i expected something from them. If you become less selfish of your own needs, you'd genuinely care for your partners, there won't be any infidelity and alot more understanding and less anger/fights.

I agree that the world's divorce rate would be cut in half if husbands and wives become less selfish and actually start giving.

I owe that to the next girl who captures my heart. All i will do is to love her. She don't have to worry about me, cos God's covered my needs. My only and best reward will be to see her happy.

*

As 2010 winds down, i'm going to miss many things. The colleagues and (strange) friends i've made during the last three-and-a-half years at work. The deeper bonds i've made with my schoolmates. Especially when we guys fell out of our relationships like dominos. Hey, at least one good thing came out of that!

And lastly, i'm going to miss running.

My Asics when i first got it. It has served me through two Olympic triathlons, one biathlon, one marathon and the Ironman. It's dying now..the seams are splitting.. but let's do it one more time k? one last 42?

It seems like this year's 42km will be my third..and my last. Sadly, my knees don't seem to agree with me anymore.

2 hours and 22 minutes is alot of time to think, reflect and pray. and that's what i did this evening.

One or Two

I'm (kinda) glad nothing happened last night. Was so tired from work, i totally collapsed. Bad news is i didn't run and i ordered Mac's. At least i got enough rest and i didn't put the 'real' bad stuff into the system.

And because i had sufficient rest last night, i should be good to do a long run AND a swim. While i was packing the gear this morning i was thinking about the days when i did all three. I ran in the morning, swam in the afternoon and biked in the evening. It's not easy (totally crash on the bed after a day like that) but the feeling you get from accomplishing a full day of exercise is very rewarding.

I miss that.

I don't even know if i can attempt to do a swim or run later. It's almost time to knock off work; I plan to do the 15km run in the afternoon (since the sun is not out yet) and maybe hit the pool in the afternoon. Really hope to get abit of sun while i'm at it.

I looked back at my old photos and i want to go back to be like how it was...

except that i'm moving forward with this.

The painful climb

It's been two weeks since i'm back and as expected, it's the painful climb to get back my fitness. I've only been running and it's really painful both mentally and physically. My lungs are like the size of my fists; i run out of breath after 15 minutes of running. I miss going 2hours non-stop.

I haven't even hit the pool yet and i already feel like i'm becoming translucent. I miss the healthy tan but i'm really lazy to swim and late nights have not helped either. At least i feel like the alcohol and bad stuff is coming out of the system. During my first few runs last week, i can almost imagine me sweating out beer. Slowly but surely, i'll feel clean and pure. (damn sounds like i got STD)

I believe the European diet is alot healthier. Though we have several courses per meal, the food there is never (or very seldom) fried. There's no chili like what we have in Asia, so there's no greasy/oily chili sauce. The only thing about the European diet is that it can get salty and is carbo-heavy. Well, the latter is good for the long endurance training right?

In terms of training motivation, i'm glad that i'm finding some renewed peace and joy. I know i used to channel all the anger and emo-ness into my runs and that really worked. But as all that negativity melts away, i find myself running with pure motivation to get stronger/faster. I take inspiration from the great Chrissie Wellington; she's such a joy (literally) to watch.

My life's not altogether perfect at the moment and there are still a few question-marks, but i'm focused on what i need to do and prepare for future races. I'm starting to find time to meet up with friends and family too, so what more can i ask for? I'm sorry if my training made you feel like you were not important. Hey, i promise that's all different now. I'm just a SMS away, let's meet up!

Just Two.

I'm thankful for whatever life is throwing at me; i'm taking everything as a learning phase and it's all about becoming a better person at the end of the day. I've come to realise that i've found stability in two things - Jesus Christ and training.

I don't doubt that everyone has a conscience and know when they made a boo-boo. Guilt and fear is a clear indication. Worry is the subtle cousin that tends to come before that.

I know i haven't exactly been the best role model at times; i curse when some driver cuts my lane, to being a total jerk when it comes to people's feelings. The best part is that it's not about me, but how great is a God that knows how much i am failing and with the purest form of love, He forgives and turn my screw-ups around to bless me abundantly.

"God's law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God's wonderful grace became more abundant." - Romans 5:20

I'm really comforted and loved to have that assurance.

Running/training has also given me so much in keeping me sane. It takes on so many different forms for me. A run after a busy, emotional draining day just lets me spend time alone, collecting my thoughts in prayer and getting my bearings right for the task ahead.

On other days, the anger is displaced when i pound the road or crawl up and down the pool during the evenings. Better than keeping it inside and going crazy, a run/swim always helps to diffuse the frustration.

I know i've neglected my two loves from time to time. The best part is, they've always been there even when i haven't. Everytime i need to, for as long as my knees can take me, the track will always be waiting for me to visit. I thank God that He'll never leave nor forsake me too. He's really awesome and is always just a whisper away.

I'm really blessed to have the two with me. But somehow, i got the feeling that there actually might be a 'three'...




...all along.

The way to my heart is through my legs

...sounds wrong, i know. Haha!

I was in a dilemma; Wondering if i should sign up for a half or full marathon this December. But i eventually decided to sign for the latter. How?

Because a girl asked me to.

Hahaha..I guess i better start training so i don't embarass myself.

On a more serious note, I remember the last race i did with a 'friend', it was with you. 31 August 2008. I've done many more races since and it's never been the same without you; seeing your smile, cheering and greeting me along the routes/transitions, pushing me til the finish line. I'll always remember those times.

I've had new good memories since, and i'm thankful for each and every one.

But somehow, the new ones never seem to work out. The feeling just isn't there. The timing just isn't right. Even when everything is perfect, there's always just this little bump that i can't ignore.




So even as i run this 42km..perhaps with someone new.. i'll always carry you as a sweet memory with me, and i know that whoever i will be with next, is nothing less than God's precious gift to me, to care for, nurture and love for the rest of my remaining days.


Dropped off your keys last night,
The front door still unpainted.
You were polite like ice,
I, once could melt it.
You took our pictures down,
And you left them on the ground
Its like you wiped all the memories,
Of what we used to be...
You and me, before it all crashed down.

I heard your voice break, when you said,
"well I hope you're happy".
Nothin' to say, I'll stare, straight into my coffee.
Then the conversation changed,
How we talked around the blame,
And the pain of losing.
All of the good times lost,
When it all crashed down.

Well I'm here if you need me,
I know you don't believe me.
well I'm so sorry,
For all the pain I've caused.

And I know I never told you,
That I love you,
Now its all too late.
And I don't know how to hold you,
But I want to,
I don't want to leave this way.
All I know,
Is broken.

What My Runs Are Like

What i have been thinking about during my recent runs...

1. Why is this happening again?
2. My conscience is sprinkled with Righteousness, Thank God.
3. I need to book IPPT soon. It should be a comfortable $400.
4. I should treat someone to a good meal with that money, but who?
5. So far, so good. Wait for the pain to set in, then we'll see.
6. Ok, here comes the pain.
7. What you said.
8. What we did.
9. Why is this happening again?

Then it goes blank for awhile. If you run pass this 'blank', you reach a heightened sense of awareness and (almost irrational) emotions..

10. I should just do it. Let it fall where it may, perfect Love casts out all fear.
11. Shit, i really should get a knee transplant. Bloody pain.
12. If i die, will anybody care?
13. I need to pick up the guitar again.
14. I love you. I said it?!
15. Why is this happening again? Danger.
16. You.



Then it all becomes a real mess. But i'll feed off whatever's eating me inside and push the body to go faster and stronger. I think i just revealed my very intimate thoughts, but of course...you won't really know what i'm talking about. Unless you really know.

So far, this lasts for a good 15km run and abit into the static stations i usually do after my runs. I miss doing 20km runs. It takes alot more to motivate me after second 'blank'. But i remember what motivated me to do it.

But i'll save that for another intimate time...

6pm.

I'm so glad i'm back to training. I think i'll be even more hyped when i get down to registering for my third Standard Chartered Full Marathon. (I should be doing the full; I have a 'score to settle'.)


I'm hoping to shed more weight and tone up around the arms and tummy. I want to be race ready by December. I'm want to do 20km runs comfortably for each session.

Thankful that things are starting to look up once again. I really believe there's a good work that has started in me and it'll soon bear fruit and then even more abundant fruit. I only have one source to thank for that.

Also i have this special drawing hung on my bedroom wall that reminds not to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; acknowleding Him in all my ways and He will direct my path. such absolutes give great assurance.

Even as i run, i am not focused on where the demand comes from. Every beat of my heart, every breath i take, i focus on the supply. It comes from the Lord and He will keep me running.

It's 6pm. Time to run.

Status Quo

I like the feeling of a half-filled stomach and muscle-weakened body. I've found my status quo again; after six continuous days of running and swimming, i've ran 35km and swam 7.5km in total.

Mentally, i'm focused on training again. Emotionally, i've cut myself away from all distractions. It's a real roller-coaster ride the past couple of months. I've been to many funerals, weddings and baby showers. Today, i went for a baby shower in the morning and i'm headed to an ex-colleague's wake later. News of my Inang's husband's passing last week is still fresh in my mind; my heart, thoughts and prayers going out to her and the family in Philippines everytime i run/swim.

It puts life into perspective. People celebrate, then they die. All too quickly. So make the most of it.

Emotionally, i've hit both high and low in love. After my swim earlier, i realised that i've had the blessed opportunity to know what love feels like, i've tasted utter rejection and despair and i know what it's like being 'loveless' and comfortable.

I take the three words, "I love you" very seriously. And i can't remember the last time i said it (though i can remember who i said it to), but when i do, it'll be the day i give my love away again. For now, under all these circumstances, i'm going to be comfortable with 'loveless'.

I'm stronger now. I appreciate celebrations like birthdays and weddings. I see them in better perspective and maturity. I have come to terms with departures and know that life may be brief for many, but its worth living.

Running with hope in my heart, i'll swim against the tide just to tell you, 'i love you'. Off to more runs and swims, training and prayer; putting everything in perspective.

It's happening again

As i'm lamenting on how 'aimless' i have been, my prayers always get answered. Registration for the the Aviva Ironman Triathlon and Stan Chart Singapore Marathon are open.

Talk about the two most painful races i have done so far. I've done two full marathons and i'm still nervous about hitting the 30km mark, Maybe third time will be a charm, but the pain...oh boy.. the pain.

The Ironman Triathlon is no better. I still get the heebe-jeebies when i drive past ECP.. i will never forget cycling out of the Fort Road exit and climbing that hell of a slope pass MBS. That was the only time during a race i really wanted to cry. Yeah. Weep like a baby. When my car climbs that slope, i swear my legs twitch a little.

Wow. This post really helped to jog (no pun intended) the memory.

I think i should sign up for both, yes? Singapore Marathon 2010, Ironman Triathlon 2011.


Here we go again!

Where did it all go?

There was a time when all i did was come back from work and train for my races. It was a simple, fulfilling time.

I can't run away from reality anymore. I have to face experiences in life that sometimes are beyond my control.

Maybe this time, i will run towards it. I pray that the Lord will continue to give me the strength i need, to fill my very being with the wisdom and love i need; not for myself but for the people i can and cannot care for.

Running isn't so simple now that i'm running in a different direction.

It's all coming back

Did anyone tell you that re-training is a bee.eye.tee.see.heych.?

One month after my last race, i slacked and ate couple of quarter pounders. I certainly put on more than a half a pound in weight lor. I'm getting back on the training program and my fitness has dropped drastically. It feels like a rubber band around my lungs when i run and i'm out of breath after 15 minutes. It's demoralising when your belly jiggles too. And i don't know what's worst, having to wear a sports bra for your bouncing man boobs or the fact that you've got man boobs.

I'm not going to end up like that again!

I'm going to run, swim and do crunches until i get abs. Either that, or i'll look like an African kid. Either way, i don't want to be a fattie.

But i gave it all away

I’m not alone when I say that not running has made me super grumpy, lethargic and emo. It has been like that for some time now and as always, I’ve been very good at hiding my real emotions/feelings in person but even that is in jeopardy. I might not be able to act all nice in front of you soon.

It’s all the bad juices have been storing up inside and if I don’t run or swim it out, it’ll just collect up and it will implode eventually. By then, it’ll be too late as I would have already hurt someone I didn’t intend to.

It’s funny when people ask me about my ‘retirement’. I guess I don’t want to. I feel aimless and although work has been busy and productive, I don’t feel the rush. Not like when I’m preparing for a race.

I’m not retired. But I don’t have anything to train for at the moment. Nothing to keep my mind distracted from the thoughts I’m having now; and I don’t want to decide if these thoughts are right or wrong.

Some people wait a lifetime for a chance like this
I’ve waited enough
Baby, no I won’t let you go
I’m sick of tears and bitter fears

Distrac..what?

Talk about drama...

Looks like training is taking a huge hit this week. Here's what my schedule was supposed to be like,

Mon - Run 10km

Tue - Run 12km

Wed - MUSE!!!!

Thu - Run 12km

Fri - Swim 2.5km

Sat - Swim 3km

Sun - Swim 2.5km

Fairly OK... but work has taken its toll and alot of other stuff has come up. Here's how it really looks to be,

Mon - Long meeting. Reached home at 3am

Tue - Freaking no mood. Big sh*t @ work.

Wed - ....MUSE.

Thu - Run 10km

Fri - Dinner + Drinks at Timbre

Sat - Swim 2.5km, go pick Auntie Conchita from the Airport

Sun - Church (of course), wine tasting with Miss Yeo and spend time with Auntie Conchita

Wait. That means i'm only gonna do one swim and one run. What the....

Run Fatboy Run

I must be crazy. It did sound like a good idea couple of months ago when I signed up for the Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon back in September. In the wee hours of Sunday, 7 December 2009 at the Esplanade Bridge, it was anything but when I started the 42 kilometre run with 15,000 thousand other runners. Well, at least there were 15,000 others who were just as insane as I am.

In our lifetime, there are some memories that are eternally etched in our minds. You remember them so vividly; the emotion of that very incident, like your first kiss. Well, running a marathon is quite similar, other than the fact that it felt more like the first heartbreak. And to think I could remember it so clearly in 2008, my first marathon (also the Standard Chartered marathon) was the most painful thing I’ve done in my life, why would I subject myself to such torture?

At 5.30am, when Guest-of-Honour Minister for Foreign Affairs, Mr George Yeo flagged off the full marathon, it was too late for regrets. Backing out now would be the most unmanly thing to do. “It’s only going to take 6 hours tops, so just get it over and done with it,” I told myself.

The euphoria at the starting line did help to get some adrenalin pumping, with the Black-Eyed Peas’ “Boom Boom Pow” getting the full marathoners all hyped up. As the runners took off at the starting line, it was all a familial affair - giving the neighbouring runners high-fives and masculine jabs of encouragement. We started running through Singapore’s Central Business District easily.

But after a mere five kilometers later, the atmosphere changed dramatically. It was dark, damp and silent. The sun hasn’t come up yet, your body’s starting to perspire despite the cool morning air, and when everybody’s pacing their breaths for the next 37 kilometres, nobody is talking. Running down Nicoll Highway, it looked like an endless straight road of misery up ahead.

Surprisingly, I kept up with the pace as we turned into Mountbatten road and towards East Coast Park. The sun starting coming up and the scenic view of a sunrise helped keep my mind off the repetitive steps of feet pounding the road. Having done several jogs around East Coast Park previously, the confidence of familiarity did wonders for me. And as we turned at the halfway mark near the National Sailing Centre, I felt fresh and was good for to go until the end.

I was terribly wrong. At the 30 kilometre mark, my feet felt like they were filled with lead. The lactic acid started to build up and I could not help but to feel that I should have been better prepared nutritionally for a moment like this. Coming out of East Coast Park and back towards Fort Road, I started to drag my feet. It was already nine in the morning and some of the residents staying around the area came out with their fanfare to encourage us.

If I were in their shoes, I would probably be thinking, “why subject yourself to such agony on a beautiful Sunday morning? You gotta be nuts.” Well, but that’s just me.

They were in good spirits; giving out drinks, bananas and high-fives to us. Unfortunately, at that point of time, all the strength I had was just enough to muster a smile at the supporters.

The remaining ten kilometers was just a blur. I believe that is what the professionals call “hitting the wall”, but mine was less dramatic than crawling to the finish line. I started walking and just when I thought the worst was over, came the ‘valley of death’.

I will always remember that slope down, then up Republic Avenue. It was already that late stage in the run when everyone is almost depleted, why is there such an insurmountable slope there to demoralize us? As I mentally hurled expletives at the event organizers, I grudgingly crept forward to what seemed like a climb up Everest.

But once that was over and done with, what remained was just the sheer desire to get to the finish line. Running past Glutton’s Bay, down under the Esplanade Bridge and finally surfacing at Saint Andrew’s Road, there was total disregard for my body and the excitement of seeing the words, “FINISH” gave me the unexplainable energy to pick up my feet and make a last ditch jog towards the welcoming arms of my ‘adoring fans’. Kudos to the supporters at the finish line!

As I crossed the finish line and wobbled to the Padang, I felt such relief and an overwhelming sense of achievement. And although I questioned myself just six hours earlier, the feeling of finishing a 42 kilometre run in under six hours to me was all worth it in the end.

I could be crazy, but 2010 anyone?

Now i'm nervous

Ok. So, now i'm nervous.

Had a really good look at next Sunday's race route to get myself mentally prepared. The mixed emotions are finally settling in. Checking out my route; it's almost similar to last year's (how different could it get right?) and i've been training on a good part of it, from Kallang MRT to the National Sailing Centre and back, during my long weekend runs.

Looking at my preparation, i should be able to improve on last year's timing. That's if all conditions warrant it - like my knee and if i pace myself correctly so i don't walk out the last 10km. Preparing myself mentally meant that i can imagine the atmosphere at the start line. This year, being the third time i'm running in Stan Chart, the euphoria doesn't seem to attract me anymore. Don't get me wrong, the adrenalin and novelty of it all was what helped me finish the races and made it memorable.

But I'm not cajoled by it anymore. I don't fancy the high-5s to your neighbouring runners, waving your hands as you start/finish, the hordes of female supporters cheering you on as if they really want to have your children, the finisher shirt that everybody will be proudly wearing for the next couple of weeks.

I just hope for a quiet, focused race. Doing everything right - the pace, the right time to drink or consume the gel - and the satisfaction of knowing i stuck to the game plan and it worked.
That's the only reason why i'm nervous now - all that i've done will culminate in 5hours (hopefully less) next Sunday morning. I've enjoyed the peripherals of the event, now i just want to perform.



Oh, and maybe wear that finisher T-shirt.

Motivate

3 more weeks to 42km..

Training is a b*tch. I ask myself, why am i doing this.

Why? What for?

There could be a million reasons, but right now, all i need is one.

But sometimes, you don't. Because, you just do it.

Snuff the Flame

After a two week hiatus, i finally did a long run - from Boon Keng, i ran to Kallang, then the entire East Coast Park and back. I'm still trying to figure how far i actually ran last night, but based on timing, i've not been able to run continuously for three hours (3:09 tops).

It kinda made me panic abit, knowing that 42km is exactly four weeks from now, i'm still far from my promise to not walk the entire marathon.

A big challenge i'm facing now, from doing these long runs, is after doing one, you don't feel like running for a long time. Sometimes, my body tells me, "you've done a great job! awesome! ...now stop it and let me rest you stupid prick." So sometimes after a good run, i get lazy and not be as disciplined in training. With four weeks left, i'm not sure if there's more i can do.

At the very least, i've finally subscribed to advice of 'eat as much as you can'. I'm not as conscious as i am about my weight/physique anymore; i'm pretty happy with my current 'curves' and since i'm burning more calories now, i can afford the occasional junk food.

But i may have to be alcohol-free from now until race day. So no beer or 'cockblockers' when i meet up with the guys/girls. Thou shalt not succumb to social pressure. Let's see how that goes. So how?

I'm still finding new motivation to get through to 6 December. For now, it's just the thought of my Philippines trip the following day, but i still need something stronger. Any ideas?

Tri*Factor Triathlon

My second Oly Triathlon and best yet! I'm happy i did 2 hour 35minutes!