What My Runs Are Like

What i have been thinking about during my recent runs...

1. Why is this happening again?
2. My conscience is sprinkled with Righteousness, Thank God.
3. I need to book IPPT soon. It should be a comfortable $400.
4. I should treat someone to a good meal with that money, but who?
5. So far, so good. Wait for the pain to set in, then we'll see.
6. Ok, here comes the pain.
7. What you said.
8. What we did.
9. Why is this happening again?

Then it goes blank for awhile. If you run pass this 'blank', you reach a heightened sense of awareness and (almost irrational) emotions..

10. I should just do it. Let it fall where it may, perfect Love casts out all fear.
11. Shit, i really should get a knee transplant. Bloody pain.
12. If i die, will anybody care?
13. I need to pick up the guitar again.
14. I love you. I said it?!
15. Why is this happening again? Danger.
16. You.



Then it all becomes a real mess. But i'll feed off whatever's eating me inside and push the body to go faster and stronger. I think i just revealed my very intimate thoughts, but of course...you won't really know what i'm talking about. Unless you really know.

So far, this lasts for a good 15km run and abit into the static stations i usually do after my runs. I miss doing 20km runs. It takes alot more to motivate me after second 'blank'. But i remember what motivated me to do it.

But i'll save that for another intimate time...

6pm.

I'm so glad i'm back to training. I think i'll be even more hyped when i get down to registering for my third Standard Chartered Full Marathon. (I should be doing the full; I have a 'score to settle'.)


I'm hoping to shed more weight and tone up around the arms and tummy. I want to be race ready by December. I'm want to do 20km runs comfortably for each session.

Thankful that things are starting to look up once again. I really believe there's a good work that has started in me and it'll soon bear fruit and then even more abundant fruit. I only have one source to thank for that.

Also i have this special drawing hung on my bedroom wall that reminds not to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; acknowleding Him in all my ways and He will direct my path. such absolutes give great assurance.

Even as i run, i am not focused on where the demand comes from. Every beat of my heart, every breath i take, i focus on the supply. It comes from the Lord and He will keep me running.

It's 6pm. Time to run.

Status Quo

I like the feeling of a half-filled stomach and muscle-weakened body. I've found my status quo again; after six continuous days of running and swimming, i've ran 35km and swam 7.5km in total.

Mentally, i'm focused on training again. Emotionally, i've cut myself away from all distractions. It's a real roller-coaster ride the past couple of months. I've been to many funerals, weddings and baby showers. Today, i went for a baby shower in the morning and i'm headed to an ex-colleague's wake later. News of my Inang's husband's passing last week is still fresh in my mind; my heart, thoughts and prayers going out to her and the family in Philippines everytime i run/swim.

It puts life into perspective. People celebrate, then they die. All too quickly. So make the most of it.

Emotionally, i've hit both high and low in love. After my swim earlier, i realised that i've had the blessed opportunity to know what love feels like, i've tasted utter rejection and despair and i know what it's like being 'loveless' and comfortable.

I take the three words, "I love you" very seriously. And i can't remember the last time i said it (though i can remember who i said it to), but when i do, it'll be the day i give my love away again. For now, under all these circumstances, i'm going to be comfortable with 'loveless'.

I'm stronger now. I appreciate celebrations like birthdays and weddings. I see them in better perspective and maturity. I have come to terms with departures and know that life may be brief for many, but its worth living.

Running with hope in my heart, i'll swim against the tide just to tell you, 'i love you'. Off to more runs and swims, training and prayer; putting everything in perspective.

My thoughts exactly..

I'm here, so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows
Now I tremble in your arms
What could be the harm?
To feel my spirit calm?

I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back
Like you say - you're right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten, twice as shy
If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to loose you again

Yes, I will.
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper...
I think I better leave right now

It's happening again

As i'm lamenting on how 'aimless' i have been, my prayers always get answered. Registration for the the Aviva Ironman Triathlon and Stan Chart Singapore Marathon are open.

Talk about the two most painful races i have done so far. I've done two full marathons and i'm still nervous about hitting the 30km mark, Maybe third time will be a charm, but the pain...oh boy.. the pain.

The Ironman Triathlon is no better. I still get the heebe-jeebies when i drive past ECP.. i will never forget cycling out of the Fort Road exit and climbing that hell of a slope pass MBS. That was the only time during a race i really wanted to cry. Yeah. Weep like a baby. When my car climbs that slope, i swear my legs twitch a little.

Wow. This post really helped to jog (no pun intended) the memory.

I think i should sign up for both, yes? Singapore Marathon 2010, Ironman Triathlon 2011.


Here we go again!

Where did it all go?

There was a time when all i did was come back from work and train for my races. It was a simple, fulfilling time.

I can't run away from reality anymore. I have to face experiences in life that sometimes are beyond my control.

Maybe this time, i will run towards it. I pray that the Lord will continue to give me the strength i need, to fill my very being with the wisdom and love i need; not for myself but for the people i can and cannot care for.

Running isn't so simple now that i'm running in a different direction.

It's all coming back

Did anyone tell you that re-training is a bee.eye.tee.see.heych.?

One month after my last race, i slacked and ate couple of quarter pounders. I certainly put on more than a half a pound in weight lor. I'm getting back on the training program and my fitness has dropped drastically. It feels like a rubber band around my lungs when i run and i'm out of breath after 15 minutes. It's demoralising when your belly jiggles too. And i don't know what's worst, having to wear a sports bra for your bouncing man boobs or the fact that you've got man boobs.

I'm not going to end up like that again!

I'm going to run, swim and do crunches until i get abs. Either that, or i'll look like an African kid. Either way, i don't want to be a fattie.

But i gave it all away

I’m not alone when I say that not running has made me super grumpy, lethargic and emo. It has been like that for some time now and as always, I’ve been very good at hiding my real emotions/feelings in person but even that is in jeopardy. I might not be able to act all nice in front of you soon.

It’s all the bad juices have been storing up inside and if I don’t run or swim it out, it’ll just collect up and it will implode eventually. By then, it’ll be too late as I would have already hurt someone I didn’t intend to.

It’s funny when people ask me about my ‘retirement’. I guess I don’t want to. I feel aimless and although work has been busy and productive, I don’t feel the rush. Not like when I’m preparing for a race.

I’m not retired. But I don’t have anything to train for at the moment. Nothing to keep my mind distracted from the thoughts I’m having now; and I don’t want to decide if these thoughts are right or wrong.

Some people wait a lifetime for a chance like this
I’ve waited enough
Baby, no I won’t let you go
I’m sick of tears and bitter fears

It's a Secret

I haven't been running. Been rather distracted lately and sometime i do miss the simplicity in just working and training. I always joke about how training is the real distraction; my way of running (quite literally) away from growing up - planning my career, developing relationships and becoming wiser in all aspects. It doesn't seem like a laughing matter now.

When i took a long break, i'm left with facing them now. I miss training, but i have to face some of these emotions, alone. Maybe when i run tonight, i'll think about why i'm feeling this way and before the end of it, i would have convinced myself to do the right thing.

But what is the right thing?