Bed-ridden

For the past 12 hours, i've been planted on my bed, only to get up for meals and trips to the toilet. And i hate this.

It's a good break from running and swimming every other day. I think i'll be good for a swim tomorrow and soak in some sun. I'm gonna miss training as i'll be away in Germany/Austria and i hope i don't backslide too much. Yikes.

But for now, i just need to get out of bed. In a way, i did deserve it. Got kinda upset, had a long night (us four, finally!) and this is what you get. Worst morning/afternoon ever. Gosh if i can remember, i think i was really quiet in the corner and just kept pouring.

Argh, no comments. I'm just looking forward to the time i'm totally immune to all of it. Won't be long i guess. I can feel it coming. Tricky thing is, i might slide the other way. Nothing exactly wrong with that, but it just ain't the most 'acceptable' lifestyle. You know what i mean?

Stop imagining la. It's not what you think it is, you sick perverts.

Just Two.

I'm thankful for whatever life is throwing at me; i'm taking everything as a learning phase and it's all about becoming a better person at the end of the day. I've come to realise that i've found stability in two things - Jesus Christ and training.

I don't doubt that everyone has a conscience and know when they made a boo-boo. Guilt and fear is a clear indication. Worry is the subtle cousin that tends to come before that.

I know i haven't exactly been the best role model at times; i curse when some driver cuts my lane, to being a total jerk when it comes to people's feelings. The best part is that it's not about me, but how great is a God that knows how much i am failing and with the purest form of love, He forgives and turn my screw-ups around to bless me abundantly.

"God's law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as people sinned more and more, God's wonderful grace became more abundant." - Romans 5:20

I'm really comforted and loved to have that assurance.

Running/training has also given me so much in keeping me sane. It takes on so many different forms for me. A run after a busy, emotional draining day just lets me spend time alone, collecting my thoughts in prayer and getting my bearings right for the task ahead.

On other days, the anger is displaced when i pound the road or crawl up and down the pool during the evenings. Better than keeping it inside and going crazy, a run/swim always helps to diffuse the frustration.

I know i've neglected my two loves from time to time. The best part is, they've always been there even when i haven't. Everytime i need to, for as long as my knees can take me, the track will always be waiting for me to visit. I thank God that He'll never leave nor forsake me too. He's really awesome and is always just a whisper away.

I'm really blessed to have the two with me. But somehow, i got the feeling that there actually might be a 'three'...




...all along.

Hallelujah

The way to my heart is through my legs

...sounds wrong, i know. Haha!

I was in a dilemma; Wondering if i should sign up for a half or full marathon this December. But i eventually decided to sign for the latter. How?

Because a girl asked me to.

Hahaha..I guess i better start training so i don't embarass myself.

On a more serious note, I remember the last race i did with a 'friend', it was with you. 31 August 2008. I've done many more races since and it's never been the same without you; seeing your smile, cheering and greeting me along the routes/transitions, pushing me til the finish line. I'll always remember those times.

I've had new good memories since, and i'm thankful for each and every one.

But somehow, the new ones never seem to work out. The feeling just isn't there. The timing just isn't right. Even when everything is perfect, there's always just this little bump that i can't ignore.




So even as i run this 42km..perhaps with someone new.. i'll always carry you as a sweet memory with me, and i know that whoever i will be with next, is nothing less than God's precious gift to me, to care for, nurture and love for the rest of my remaining days.


Dropped off your keys last night,
The front door still unpainted.
You were polite like ice,
I, once could melt it.
You took our pictures down,
And you left them on the ground
Its like you wiped all the memories,
Of what we used to be...
You and me, before it all crashed down.

I heard your voice break, when you said,
"well I hope you're happy".
Nothin' to say, I'll stare, straight into my coffee.
Then the conversation changed,
How we talked around the blame,
And the pain of losing.
All of the good times lost,
When it all crashed down.

Well I'm here if you need me,
I know you don't believe me.
well I'm so sorry,
For all the pain I've caused.

And I know I never told you,
That I love you,
Now its all too late.
And I don't know how to hold you,
But I want to,
I don't want to leave this way.
All I know,
Is broken.

What My Runs Are Like

What i have been thinking about during my recent runs...

1. Why is this happening again?
2. My conscience is sprinkled with Righteousness, Thank God.
3. I need to book IPPT soon. It should be a comfortable $400.
4. I should treat someone to a good meal with that money, but who?
5. So far, so good. Wait for the pain to set in, then we'll see.
6. Ok, here comes the pain.
7. What you said.
8. What we did.
9. Why is this happening again?

Then it goes blank for awhile. If you run pass this 'blank', you reach a heightened sense of awareness and (almost irrational) emotions..

10. I should just do it. Let it fall where it may, perfect Love casts out all fear.
11. Shit, i really should get a knee transplant. Bloody pain.
12. If i die, will anybody care?
13. I need to pick up the guitar again.
14. I love you. I said it?!
15. Why is this happening again? Danger.
16. You.



Then it all becomes a real mess. But i'll feed off whatever's eating me inside and push the body to go faster and stronger. I think i just revealed my very intimate thoughts, but of course...you won't really know what i'm talking about. Unless you really know.

So far, this lasts for a good 15km run and abit into the static stations i usually do after my runs. I miss doing 20km runs. It takes alot more to motivate me after second 'blank'. But i remember what motivated me to do it.

But i'll save that for another intimate time...

6pm.

I'm so glad i'm back to training. I think i'll be even more hyped when i get down to registering for my third Standard Chartered Full Marathon. (I should be doing the full; I have a 'score to settle'.)


I'm hoping to shed more weight and tone up around the arms and tummy. I want to be race ready by December. I'm want to do 20km runs comfortably for each session.

Thankful that things are starting to look up once again. I really believe there's a good work that has started in me and it'll soon bear fruit and then even more abundant fruit. I only have one source to thank for that.

Also i have this special drawing hung on my bedroom wall that reminds not to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; acknowleding Him in all my ways and He will direct my path. such absolutes give great assurance.

Even as i run, i am not focused on where the demand comes from. Every beat of my heart, every breath i take, i focus on the supply. It comes from the Lord and He will keep me running.

It's 6pm. Time to run.

Status Quo

I like the feeling of a half-filled stomach and muscle-weakened body. I've found my status quo again; after six continuous days of running and swimming, i've ran 35km and swam 7.5km in total.

Mentally, i'm focused on training again. Emotionally, i've cut myself away from all distractions. It's a real roller-coaster ride the past couple of months. I've been to many funerals, weddings and baby showers. Today, i went for a baby shower in the morning and i'm headed to an ex-colleague's wake later. News of my Inang's husband's passing last week is still fresh in my mind; my heart, thoughts and prayers going out to her and the family in Philippines everytime i run/swim.

It puts life into perspective. People celebrate, then they die. All too quickly. So make the most of it.

Emotionally, i've hit both high and low in love. After my swim earlier, i realised that i've had the blessed opportunity to know what love feels like, i've tasted utter rejection and despair and i know what it's like being 'loveless' and comfortable.

I take the three words, "I love you" very seriously. And i can't remember the last time i said it (though i can remember who i said it to), but when i do, it'll be the day i give my love away again. For now, under all these circumstances, i'm going to be comfortable with 'loveless'.

I'm stronger now. I appreciate celebrations like birthdays and weddings. I see them in better perspective and maturity. I have come to terms with departures and know that life may be brief for many, but its worth living.

Running with hope in my heart, i'll swim against the tide just to tell you, 'i love you'. Off to more runs and swims, training and prayer; putting everything in perspective.